My Husband Still Works With the Woman He Had an Affair With

I get a lot of emails from wives trying to heal themselves and their marriages after an affair. There are many common roadblocks or places where we tend to get “stuck” and unable to move on. One very common one that I’m seeing with a lot more frequency is a situation where both parties are wanting to save the marriage, but the husband still works with the woman that he had the affair with. This is a difficult situation on so many levels because it is a constant reminder of the affair and constant contact with someone that you don’t want your husband any where near. This article will discuss how I believe that you should best handle this situation.

The Best Case Scenario When Your Husbands Works With His Former Mistress: If I had my way, I’d like for the husband to get another job pronto. No good can come out of him working with the woman he cheated on you with. Even if he is fully committed and determined to save your marriage, it’s not healthy for him to have to see her (and even interact with her) on a daily basis. This is difficult for you too, because the doubts and insecurities that you already have are only going to be multiplied knowing that he’s seeing her every day.

I realize that in today’s economy it can be hard to just walk away from a job. I understand that your husband can’t do that and still be a responsible family provider. But, perhaps he can ask for a transfer out of her department or he can apply for openings in other divisions of the company. At the very least, he should take some concrete action to get out of there, whether this is sending out resumes for other companies or applying wherever he can within the same company (where he doesn’t have direct contact with her.)

No matter what he does, it’s very important that you know that he’s making a continuous effort to limit and end his contact with her. Many companies have very strict policies about fraternizing among co workers, not to mention sexual harassment issues and policies. So, it’s vitally important (for so many reasons) that your husband distance himself from this situation as soon as possible.

What If He Can’t Leave His Job And Must Work With The Other Woman?: I realize that sometimes there are going to be situations where your husband just can’t get out of working with her (at least for a while.) Finding a new job or transferring within a company takes time. So, there may be a period of time where he is stuck until he can make a move to get out of there.

Still, it’s so important that he make very clear that the relationship is going to be a very limited working one only (and very hopefully for a short time, at that.) He needs to make it very clear to her that the contact is going to be extremely limited and on a professional basis. It’s best for him to be very brief with this message, simply stating what needs to be said and removing himself from her and the situation. He must be very convincing about this, avoiding eye or physical contact. This meeting should be very brief and matter of fact. This should be the last time that they really need to talk this over. In the future, he should communicate with her via email, fax or brief communication about professional matters only. (Written communication also protects your husband from any allegations – there is a written record of brief, professional exchanges only.) Face to face contact between them should be limited.

Many husbands will tell me “but dealing with her is part of my job,” or “I’m required to work closely with her,” or “we’re partners, there’s no getting around it.” Well, the truth is sometimes difficult choices must be made. Your marriage can not fully heal if you’re constantly confronted with this woman and your wife constantly has to worry about her. You must distance yourself through whatever means possible. Your first choice should be to get a new job and you must keep pursuing this until you reach this goal. Until that time, your wife should see you doing everything that you possibly can to limit contact with this woman. If communicating in the work place is a necessary evil (only for now) make sure that you are responsible and severely limit both the tone and time of your contact.



Source by Katie Lersch

He Doesn’t Feel a Spark Anymore – How to Recapture Your Man’s Attention

You’re crazy about your guy but there’s one major problem in your relationship. He doesn’t feel a spark anymore. That’s not to say he doesn’t love you but something has certainly changed for him. The days when he couldn’t get enough of you are gone and have been replaced by a quiet and almost boring sense of comfort. He’s a man after all and we all know that most men thrive on excitement and the unexpected. If your guy has told you that the spark isn’t there anymore, you can change it. You have the ability to transform your relationship so he feels the same way about you now that he did when he first met you.

When he tells you that he doesn’t feel a spark anymore the last thing you should do is try and convince him otherwise. If you start pleading your case and trying to explain to him why he should be as wild about you now as he was when you two first got together, he’s going to see that as pathetic and desperate. You’ll appear to have absolutely no self esteem and men aren’t drawn to women like that. You have to handle this as the mature and emotionally strong woman that you are. That means you’re going to show the man just watch an amazing catch you really are.

You have to do something that he doesn’t expect you to do if you want him to feel captivated by you again. That means you’re going to muster up all the self confidence you have and you’re going to pull back a bit from him. You have to do this without all the fanfare of making a big announcement about how things are going to change now that you now he’s not as into you as he once was. All you’re going to do is pull back and let his mind start to wonder what’s going on with you. You’ll still be as sweet and kind as you always were but you won’t be as available or accessible anymore.

Once a woman shows a man that she’s not always going to be right there for him, he’ll sit up and take more notice of her. He’ll learn to appreciate her and everything she brings to his life. Suddenly she’s incredibly interesting again because she’s just out of his reach. Keeping him on his toes is the way to make him feel a spark again so do that by creating a little distance in a very subtle way. The man won’t be able to contain himself as he starts chasing after you again.



Source by Gillian Reynolds

My Husband Has Shut Me Out After I Caught Him Cheating

I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how to handle it when their husband suddenly clams up and shuts down after the wife finds out about and wants to work through his affair. Often, the more the wife feels that she absolutely has to have answers, the less the husband wants to provide the same.

I heard from a wife who said: “I found out that my husband had a month long affair with the home health nurse that takes care of his mother. Basically, they were together only when he was visiting his mother. Once I found out, we requested a new nurse and he broke it off immediately. He insisted that he wanted to save our marriage and I wanted that too. But he’s not acting in the way that you would expect from a man who is trying to keep his wife. I expected him to share his feelings, tell me what lead up to his cheating, and explain how he planned to work through this. Instead, he has completely shut down. He barely says two words to me. He rarely looks me in the eye. He no longer laughs or touches me. If I ask him what’s wrong he tells me nothing is wrong. But obviously something is. He’s like a shell of who he was. I don’t want to fight so hard to keep him if all I’m getting is a shadow of the man who was once my husband. Why is he acting his way?” I will try to answer this question in the following article.

Why Men Shut Their Wives Out After Cheating Or An Affair: There are many reasons that you might see what is called flat affect from your husband. Often, he is feeling a slew of conflicting emotions that he is trying to suppress. The process of him trying to push those feelings down can contribute to that sort of indifferent stance you are seeing now. He’s often feeling ashamed, guilty, confused, and even embarrassed. And he’s afraid that if he shows any emotion, there will be a crack in his armor and it’s all going to come pouring out.

Additionally, many men will give you a cold and distant response because they are trying to discourage you from digging too deeply. They don’t want to answer a lot questions about what or who started the affair, why it happened, or if it might happen again. (And this isn’t necessarily because they intend to cheat again.) Sometimes, they just don’t have all of those answers. They aren’t sure why they acted in the way they did. And the idea of self exploration just doesn’t appeal to them. Plus, they hope that if they don’t give you anything whatsoever to work with, you will eventually be grateful for what they can give you and back off. In short, they are trying to condition you to not expect or demand too much, which of course in not fair to you. And it makes you question if they really care enough about you to open up or to show some emotions.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Shuts You Out Or Shuts Himself Down: I know that it is probably very tempting to want to take him by the shoulders, shake some sense into him, and demand that stop acting like a child or like the victim that he most certainly is not. Many wives actually try to make him mad just to get some sort of response out of him. They figure that anything to bring him out of his funk is worth a try.

But, even when the wives are successful and get some emotional response, this is usually just a momentary solution. He may lose his cool for a second, but usually he will resort right back to his old shut down self. That’s why it can help to try to call him on it and address it. You might consider saying something like: “listen, we can’t heal if you won’t open up to and communicate with me. I understand that things feel very awkward between us and neither of us know where we stand, but your shutting down and withdrawing isn’t going to get us anywhere. Instead, it makes me feel as if you don’t care enough to share your feelings with me or you’re not committed enough to push through this. I’m not your enemy. I want to work through this with you. Can we work together to make that happen? Can you start to open up a little more. I need to see how you really feel about this.”

I can’t promise that this speech is going to suddenly make him a chatterbox willing to share everything, but it can be the first step toward him making small strides. Sometimes, you will just have to settle for little improvements that build upon themselves as he becomes more comfortable and he sees that you are sincere in wanting to work things out. It’s also important that he believe that you don’t intend to punish him or hold out on him forever. In short, you both need to feel safe with one another and this takes a bit of time. Usually, someone has to break the ice. And since your husband has pretty much shut down, you are probably the most logical person to do so, at least in the beginning.



Source by Katie Lersch

He Had A Reputation Of Being Addicted To Fast Women And Fast Cars – He Is Now Hoary-Headed And Frail

I never bothered to call him. What would I have to say to him over the phone, anyway? “Do you miss me, honey? Or do you miss our son Ayomah?” I just knew he would be coming to see Ayomah off. He was going abroad. I needed to see him face-to-face anyway, look him in the eyes to see if I see any remorse, any signs of regret or shame. The doorbell is ringing. Ayomah is on the phone. Before I even ask him to know who is on the line, I open the door. Mr. Ambrose Alhassan, alias Mr. AA, is trying to embrace me.

“Hello, Maryam, where is Ayomah?” He asks.

“He’s in his bedroom.” I say. I walk past him into the kitchen to turn off the cooker. I hear him say as he comes in.

“He’ll be safe where ever he travels to.”

“Spare me, would you, Mr. AA. I’ve got a lot to do right now before Ayomah’s departure.” Upon a second thought, I open the door. I hear him enter the living room. Feel him standing behind me. When I turn to face him, I realize that Mr. AA is looking tired. He looks much older than sixty-five. I see why people often mistake him for my father. But at the moment he just looks pitiful. Like a stray and hungry dog. But I don’t feel sorry for him one bit, because he’s not a stray dog. He’s the man who left me for another woman without any reason.

“I will go to Church with you tomorrow to meet Pastor Ofori.”

“What did you say?”

“I wish to meet Pastor Ofori, for counseling. For my behavior. To stop it. So I never leave you again. I didn’t mean to do what I’ve done.”

“Are you coming to see Ayomah off or you are coming to stay with me.” I say.

“I can’t leave this house again.” He says.

“You’ll have to when I report to the Police.” I say.

“Please don’t, Maryam. I’m begging you not to, please. It could destroy my reputation. The reputation I’ve worked so hard to build.”

“What reputation? Your reputation of being addicted to fast women and fast cars. You should have thought about your reputation before leaving me for the third time. You only need me when you’re in trouble or broke.”

“I did think about it.”

“Oh, you thought about it, and your brain gave you the go ahead, is that so?”

“No. I mean, I wasn’t thinking when I used to do all that I did. That’s now the whole problem.”

“What in the world would compel you to do what you did. Are you not a practicing Muslim man who is supposed to know better?”

“I don’t know.”

“And then keep doing it?”

“Maryam, I honestly don’t know.”

“Think about it for a moment! If you don’t know, who the hell does?”

“Eh! Are you now dating an American?”

“What did you just say?”

“I mean are you now having an American boyfriend?”

“I guess so.”

“Oh, really!”

“Are you jealous?”

“I’m not jealous. Just asking.” He just shakes his head.

“You’ve appetite for foreign men. By the way, where is that American guy?

“He’ll be coming today to see Ayomah off.”

“What? To see my son off. Is he crazy?”

“No, it’s rather you who is crazy.”

“I’m going to wait to see who this guy is.”

“You’ll surely meet him. He’s a true lover. Not your kind.”

“Don’t annoy me further.” He says.

“I’m not afraid of annoying the day light out of you.”

“I know that. But I keep hoping you’ll not. Look. Maryam, what I did to in the past is despicable and I want to get help.”

I fold my arms, wishing they were baseball bats, so that I punch him in his face.

“I know the magnitude of what I’ve done to you. It was wrong, and I can promise you that it will never happen again.” He says.

“Oh so you expect me to believe you just like that?”

“Yes.”

“Let me ask you something, Mr. AA. Did you do this to your other women, too?”

“Yes, but I’m not going back to any of them any more.”

“Oh, so you want come live with me again?

“Yes.”

I try to stop the tears, but I can’t control it. I wish this was all just a bad dream, and when the alarm bell rings, it’ll be over. I loved this man hard, but right now, I don’t love any part of him. He used to make me feel protected and safe. Anytime he came back to me after having been dumped by his other women, I accepted him back. Not this time again. All I want right now is for him to leave Ayomah and myself alone.



Source by Ibrahim M Amin

My Boyfriend Cheated On Me And Then He Proposed, Can I Trust This?

Most of the time, when you get the marriage proposal that you have been waiting for, it’s a time for relief and celebration. It should be one of the most exciting times of your life. Unfortunately, this can all be negated if you fear that you got the proposal because your significant other has cheated on you and is trying to show his remorse and commitment by asking you to marry him. This is usually not the way that you wanted it and you are not sure how to proceed from here.

Someone might say: “I’ve been hoping to get married to this man for quite some time. But he always had a reason why the timing wasn’t right. Last week, I found out that he’d been cheating on me with an old girlfriend. When I caught them, he immediately left her and went running after me. He promised that he would never see or communicate with her again. I told him I wasn’t sure if this was going to be enough for me. I told him that I wasn’t sure that our relationship could work with this type of damage. A couple of days later, he showed up at my place with an engagement ring. He said that he was so sorry that he messed things up in the way that he did. And this whole thing has made him realize that it is me that he loves and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I would have loved to have heard this two weeks ago. But now it is tainted. Now I feel like he’s just doing this because I caught him cheating. At the same time, I sort of want to accept the proposal because I’ve wanted to marry him from the first moment I saw him. I don’t understand how he can possibly be proposing now and I told him I couldn’t make a decision right away.”

I know that this must be very confusing for you. And it’s awful that you can not have the excitement that you deserve. And I think that this should be a red flag that now is not the ideal time to proceed with an engagement or marriage. You likely already know this which is why you’re not feeling the elation that a woman would typically feel just after she has been proposed to. That’s why you were right to delay an answer.

Potential Reasons For The Proposal: As to why he proposed, he is probably being truthful when he says this made him realize that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. This is often the genuine response that people have. But it is also sometimes a way (even if it is not a conscious thought) to have the affair “go away” and to speed up the whole “moving on” part. He figures that if he gives you what you both know that you want, you’ll be more forgiving toward him and more willing to move on quickly. The problem is that if you do this, you gloss over the issues and you are therefore vulnerable to this coming up again in the future.

Using The Potential Marriage As Motivation To Heal First: Because you want your marriage to be lasting and healthy, perhaps you could use this event as motivation for him to do what needs to be done toward healing.

You might try something like: “you know that I would love to marry you. But things have changed now because of the infidelity. We can’t start out a marriage before we have healed this. I’d like to see if we can do that, but I need your cooperation. I’d like to have a counselor help us to heal. If this works, then I would not be opposed to getting married. But I want to start our marriage with the confidence that we have moved past this and have worked through the issues that lead to this. It’s bad enough to deal with infidelity when you are not yet married. I do not want to deal with it as a married couple. So will you go to counseling with me? Let’s take it one step at a time. Let’s think about healing first and then if that all works out well, we can think about marriage further down the line once we are able to move past this.”

I know that part of you probably wishes that you could quiet those doubts in your mind, get married, and move on. But I can tell you from experience that those voices may haunt you until you do the work to heal. Truly, for me, healing was the only thing that gave me confidence in my marriage and in my husband again. I don’t believe that you can truly have the confidence until you do the work.

No one is saying that you have to take marriage off the table forever. But it makes sense to wait until the relationship has healed. Because getting married should be a wonderful, happy time. You don’t want to have to worry if he’s going to cheat again. So it makes sense to heal and then remove those doubts so that when you go get married, there is nothing else to think about other than just enjoying, and fully experiencing, that day with an open-heart and a clear-mind.



Source by Katie Lersch

He/She Is Such a Wonderful Person, Such a Great Friend, But Is It Really So?

It is quite certain that you know people, even among your friends, who are always nice to people; always accommodating; always “being there” for others, with a listening ear, endless time, and much, much empathy.

It is quite certain that you nod with your head, Right, Sure, I know such people; even a good friend of mine is such a person; a wonderful guy, I might add!

He/she is so nice! So accommodating! Always agree to whatever I – or anybody else’s – suggest. So compromising. For example, whenever we plan to go see a movie together, he/she always agrees to whichever movie I suggest; he/she is always sssooo flexible…

A wonderful friend, tell yourself; a unique person. Who wouldn’t want to have such a friend?

But is he/she really such a good friend? Such a unique person?

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, he/she is not the emphatic person who tried to impress you (and others) that he/she is? Who is not the “all loving” one who is willing to sacrifice for the good of others?

NO, you might say to yourself, this can’t be; he/she is indeed sssooo loving; sssooo caring; sssooo unselfish.

But is it truly so?

Could it be that such a person is actually egotistical, self-centred, even arrogant, thinking primarily about him or herself, pretending to be there for others so that everybody will love, appreciate and adore them?

Have you ever thought that such a person often walks around with a low self-esteem, which drives him/her to do whatever they can in order to receive constant love and assurances from others – you included?

Have you ever thought that they sit on a bottomless barrel of unfulfilled need to be loved, and loved, and loved?

It is for sure difficult to think that way. Such people are wise at manipulating all of us into thinking they are sssooo loving; sssooo caring for others; sssooo emphatic.

But the truth of the matter is, often they are not! This is only a mask!

A mask that they have been wearing for so long, that they themselves are no longer aware of the fact that the way they present themselves to others is not their true self. They themselves are totally unaware of who they actually are. They have become so detached from their “real self” that they don’t know better.

You may wander why they wear a mask. It might be due to their low self-esteem; their endless need to be loved; their upbringing; them being unappreciated at home – the reasons might be many. But now, what you see in front of you is phony person disguised as a loving, caring and all-giving one.

Should it bother you? Should it annoy you? No, as long as you know that the one standing in front of you is not authentic; not who he/she projects to the world.

Is there a lesson here for you? Maybe.

The first one is, don’t be surprised if one day, out of the blue, something will happen between the two of you, something which will leave you bewildered, confused. This might happen since under strenuous situations even masks fall off, revealing the person behind them.

For example, you might fall sick one day, and, to your surprise, they won’t neither call nor come visit you (claiming, later, when confronted, that they have been “too busy”). Or you may ask them a favour, something you have never asked them before, and they will come out with one and thousand excuses explaining why they can’t (which, reflecting back about what they have told you long ago about themselves you realize that have just lied to you, so simple is that!).

The second lesson for all of us to learn is: we need to take a closer look at ourselves: are we truly aware of who we are? Do we too wear masks, and if so, what are they? For what purpose do we wear them? And, most important of all, do they make us happy? Do they enable us to develop satisfying, healthy, long-term intimate relationships?



Source by Doron Gil, Ph.D.

He Stopped Calling After Sex? Why This Happens and What You Can Do

He stopped calling after sex. At first you just assumed he was busy but it’s been days or weeks now and it’s obvious that his silence is directly related to the fact that you slept with him. You’re confused about what happened though. Before you two were intimate he was all over you and couldn’t seem to get enough of you. Now that you two slept together it’s as though he’s dropped off the face of the earth. It’s disheartening when this happens to a woman. You’re probably wondering what you did wrong and if there’s anything you can do now to change things.

The fact is if you’re dating a guy and he suddenly stops calling after sex you’re right to fear the worst. This typically happens because intimacy happened soon after the couple started dating. It’s sometimes hard to temper your desire when you meet a man who sweeps you off your feet. If you two go on a couple of dates and the sparks are flying it’s natural to want to share more of yourself with him.

What happens is that when a woman becomes intimate soon after meeting a man, he labels her and it’s not the kind of label you ever want to wear. He’ll brand you as being too easy or too quick to share your body. It doesn’t matter if it was the first time you slept with a man so soon after meeting and it doesn’t matter to him that he slept with you just as soon. What happens in the mind of a man when a woman is intimate with him too early is that he sees it as an unappealing character habit and he jumps to the incorrect conclusion that she’s having sex with every man she dates soon after they’ve met.

All hope isn’t lost if he has stopped calling after sex. You can still save the relationship if that’s what you want. You just have to shift the dynamic and guide him to see that there’s a lot more to you than the one dimensional person he thinks he met. Call the man in question up and chat with him. Don’t bring up the intimacy issue at all. Instead, focus on anything else including work, the weather and any good books he may have read lately. Invite him out for dinner and show him that you’re an interesting, honest and fun person outside of intimate situations. If you do this, he’ll recognize that there’s a lot more to you than he first realized and the relationship will be back on a more balanced path.



Source by Gillian Reynolds

My Ex Boyfriend Doesn’t Know What He Wants! How to Pull Him Back to You

Men can be so confusing. If you two broke up and you’re still playing games it can be so hard on your heart. Not knowing what he wants when you’re very clear on the fact that you want him back is heart wrenching. No one can expect you to wait forever while he makes up his mind about what his future holds. You have a right to know what’s going on before you completely fall apart emotionally. If he’s wavering on getting back together or not, make the most of that. You can actually use his indecisiveness to pull him back to you.

If your ex boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants, don’t allow him to control your future. If you tell him that you’ll wait patiently until he makes up his mind, you’re setting yourself up for deep emotional torture. The moment a man realizes that a woman wants him more than anything, he’ll make her wait. He’ll draw it out for as long as possible just to test her devotion to him. It blows up a man’s ego if a woman chases him around endlessly waiting for him to give her another chance. Don’t put yourself in this position with your ex. If you’ve already made the mistake of telling him that you’ll be his if he wants you, don’t say it again.

You have a right to have the future you want. You’re not going to get that with your ex by waiting for him. You have to make him chase after you and it’s actually relatively easy to make that happen. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to drop your boyfriend completely. You’re sitting in a holding pattern until he gets his act together and comes to the realization that you’re an amazing woman and the ideal partner for him. You have to remove yourself from that equation so he sees and feels that it’s not completely and solely up to him to determine whether you two get back together.

The best advice you can take right now is to focus more on your own life and the things you enjoy that don’t include your ex. Instead of spending an entire evening reading through old emails, go out with your friends to a nice restaurant. If you’ve been focused on him calling, turn off your phone and go to the gym. These next few weeks must be about you and not about him.

Your ex boyfriend will soon realize what he wants if you’re not there waiting to take him back anymore. The silent threat of you disappearing from his life is enough to make him see that a future without you is one filled with emptiness and loneliness. By simply removing yourself from his life for a few weeks, you’ll be accomplishing more than if you tried to talk to him all day, each of those days.



Source by Gillian Reynolds

My Husband Says He’s Not Happy – Tips and Advice That May Help

There’s few phrases that are more dreaded in a marriage than a husband saying “I’m just not happy.”  This is such a loaded phrase.  You’re left wondering if the problem is you, or him, or the marriage as a whole.  And, it’s quite common to wonder if he’s allowing other stressors  from his own life to invade into your relationship so that he’s projecting things like problems with his boss, his family, money issues, or other things onto you.  It’s frustrating to think that things about which you have no choice or control could be tainting everything that you’ve worked to build.

The other day, I got an email from a wife who said “my husband came home today out of the blue and announced that he’s just unhappy right now. How am I supposed to respond to that?”  I asked her if she knew specifically what he was trying to imply because I wanted her to see that she shouldn’t blame or beat up on herself.  Did this mean that he wasn’t happy in the marriage? That he was miserable at his job? That he was disappointed with where he is or what he’s done with his life? That every thing’s just not gelling for him right now? The wife couldn’t pinpoint specific issues and said that he was just generally stating that he was miserable.  I’ll tell you how I told her to respond in the following article.  

You Are Not  Responsible For Your Husband’s Happiness, But You Should Care Deeply About It: I need to get one thing out of the way.  One human being can not control how another feels or experiences life.  If your husband has a tendency toward self criticism or pessimism or seeing the glass half empty, it is not your responsibility to take this onto your shoulders. You can not change this for him.   Trying to do so is a losing game.  Because once you do this, then suddenly everything that goes wrong is your fault and he begins to look at you as something or someone that lets him down and he begins to see you as the problem rather than the solution.

With that said, it’s optimal that your husband sees you and your marriage as a safe haven against life’s hardships and obviously, he’s not seeing things that way right now.  The good news is that he is still communicating.  I can’t tell you how many wives write to me after the husband has already announced that he’s moving out or seeking a divorce.  You are ahead of the game here because he gave you this heads up and he’s trying to communicate.  By being honest and telling you that he isn’t happy, he’s basically asking you to help him fix this before things get worse.  And, that’s exactly what you should do. 

How You Should Respond When Your Husband Announces That He’s Unhappy:  The real question here is what you do with and how you respond to this information.  First off, you should do your very best to remain calm.  Your overreacting or making a big deal out of this is just going to intensify the problem in both of your minds.  I know that this is weighing heavily on you, but you don’t need to constantly harp on this to blow it up bigger than it already is.  If you can’t deliver a calm, compassionate, and rational response, then wait until you’re able.  Because the message that you leave with him is vitally important.

You want to get across that he is the most important person in your life.  Because you love him deeply, of course you want him to be as happy as he can possibly be.  Explain that it would help you if he could share specifics on the things that are troubling him.  Tell him that there are some things that only he can control.  You can’t repair his relationship with his boss for example, but you are more than willing to listen and provide a shoulder to lean on and unwavering support.  If it’s your marriage that he’s unhappy with, then you’re more than willing to work with him until you get to a place where both of you are very satisfied with the results.  Your basic message is that his well being is also yours, that you’re absolutely in his corner and have his back, and that you’re going to control what you can – your attitude, the way that you interact, improving your marriage – while providing support on the things that you can not control.

Following Through With What You’ve Said:  It’s vitally important that you do exactly what you’ve promised.  You can’t say all these pretty words, wait for the storm to pass, and then go right back to the faulty way you’ve been doing things.  Take a hard look at your marriage, identify where it could use improvement, and get to work. 

With that said though, the last thing you want to do is to make this process read negatively to your husband.  He just isn’t going to want to roll up his sleeves and “work on your marriage,” especially when he is struggling.  You want to give him something that he can get excited about. Rather than having tough and awkward discussions about what is wrong, focus on what is right.  Think about how you used to have fun together and recreate those experiences with an eye on what the both of you enjoy today.  Unplug your obligations for a while and prioritize reconnecting with out all of the pressure.  Don’t try too hard.  Don’t constantly ask him where he is in the process.  Just focus on creating pleasurable experiences that leave you both with smiles on your faces.

His telling you that he’s not happy is usually a passive aggressive way to ask for more attention and to ask for more fun and excitement in both of your lives.  Make sure that this is the message that you hear.  Don’t take it as criticism and don’t get defensive.  Use this as an opportunity to create the lives that will bring both of you joy.



Source by Leslie Cane

Why He "Pulled Away" – And How to Bring Him Back

We’ve all been there. To hell and back that is.

We’ve all found ourselves caught in the throes of a new romantic connection that seemed so perfect in the beginning and then died out so suddenly that we were left reeling in the aftershocks and wondering what the hell happened?

It usually goes something like this: We meet a man who seems so promising and full of potential in the beginning that we allow ourselves to get caught up in a whirlwind romance, one that has all the markings of a long term relationship.

He comes on like gangbusters, ardently pursuing and letting us know in a multitude of ways that he’s into us. He calls, texts, drops by unexpectedly and makes no secret of the fact that he just can’t get enough of us.

In the early stages of a relationship like this it’s easy to get caught up in the moment. We start thinking ahead, looking at what a future with this person might be like and allowing ourselves to dive in head first.

And then suddenly everything stops.

When this happens it can throw us into a tailspin, wondering what we did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say. Wondering how things that seemed so right turned out to be so wrong. We wrack our brains trying to understand exactly what the problem is and more importantly how to fix it.

We can feel this man pulling away — even if he doesn’t come out and say it. All the signs are there. The calls slow down, the conversations get shorter, he seems distant or preoccupied, etc. — until he finally just goes AWOL. So what happened? Why did this man who started out pursuing so openly and ardently suddenly just disappear?

First let’s look at the reasons he did NOT pull away (so we can stop kidding ourselves and get back to the business of salvaging our relationships):

“He’s afraid:” This is one of the biggest misconceptions about why men pull away and one of the most dangerous. Why? Because it throws you into convincing behaviors that inevitably backfire. They backfire because you’re operating under the premise that he’s afraid of his feelings, afraid of being hurt. They backfire because in truth it’s not his own feelings he’s afraid of, it’s yours. If anything has him backpedaling at this juncture you can bet you’ve not only misread his signals but have responded to important cues by pushing harder (in that subtle, indirect way we women do — nudging, as I call it), thus pushing him further away. There is such a thing as too much too soon and if there’s anything he’s afraid of, that’s it.

“He’s been hurt:” This falls into the “he’s afraid” category in terms of defending someone’s reason for pulling away. And it makes sense doesn’t it? He’s been jerked around so badly in his past relationship/s that he’s understandably afraid to let it happen again. Right? So why aren’t you doing the same? Haven’t you been hurt too? Badly? But you’re not onlynot pulling away, you’re scrambling to figure out how to reel him back in. We convince ourselves that someone pulls away because he’s “afraid,” but this logic doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. That’s because it isn’t based on logic in the first place. Love is not logical. It’s not something we choose to take part in or not take part in at will. If we did, wouldn’t you just choose right here and now to stop loving him? The man who’s own inaction is telling you he’s willing to risk losing you?

“No one’s ever shown him love like I have:” This is categorically untrue. While there may be something to the “no one has ever loved him like I do” part, it’s not the reason he’s pulled away. Unless you’re willing to look at the shadow side of that statement, in which case you better hope it’s untrue. If you’ve never been on the receiving end of one of those kinds of connections — where someone moved too fast, came on too strong, or tried too hard — consider yourself lucky. And if you have, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. It’s usually a giant turn-off. And it replaces feelings of love with feelings of pity, which is one thing you do not want to happen. The minute you start trying to win someone over who’s already pulling away, you’re in danger of pushing them past the point of no return. This kind of behavior isn’t flattering. It’s smothering.

“He’s confused:” This one is probably true. But chances are good that it’s not his feelings of love and adoration that have him so perplexed. He’s probably wondering how such a fun, playful, lighthearted and carefree connection turned so quickly into a minefield of drama and expectation. If this is the case with you, your best course of action is to A: knock it off, and B: lighten up.

“He’s busy:” There’s probably a grain of truth in this one too. He may very well be busy. But people do what they want to do. They make time for what’s important to them. And they offer reassurances — pre-emptively — when time constraints interfere with connections they value. Ask yourself, “would he be too busy for (insert the name of some Hollywood starlet or Victoria Secret model he secretly lusts after)?” The answer — and you know it — is no.

He found someone else:” This one is probably the hardest to stomach and yet if it’s true, the sad reality is that it didn’tcause him to pull away. His being open to that in the first place is the result of him already having pulled away. This one may also be the hardest one to recover from, but it is doable.

“He’s just not into you:” While this may be true now, it wasn’t always. He couldn’t “pull away” if he wasn’t into you in the first place, right? So the question there is what happened? And more importantly, what can you do to turn it around?

First of all chances are good that you were doing way more “pursuing” than you’re aware of. And because relationships follow the same laws of physics that everything else does, the only way to restore the equilibrium is through balancing it back out. You have to know what you’re doing wrong in order to right those behaviors and hopefully get things back on track.

Women are lot more indirect than men and a lot more in denial about what exactly constitutes “pursuit.” But that doesn’t mean we’re not doing it. And it doesn’t mean the men in our lives can’t see right through it.

We tend to think that anything short of throwing ourselves at someone is okay, especially in this day and age when it’s so easy to do Facebook drivebys, send random texts and pick up the phone just to say hello. And in a perfect world those are all fine. That’s how so many of us communicate these days. But if your love interest is already pulling away, the last thing you want to do is increase the behavior that caused him to do so in the first place.

By the way, “initiating contact” is just one form of pursuit. It seems to be the most popular, as well as the current buzz phrase with online psychics. The minute a client tells me that she’s stopped initiating contact (and using those very words), I know she’s been to too many psychics.

So what are other forms of pursuit that you want to be mindful of, so you can pull your own energy back in and balance out a connection that’s gone awry? My definition of pursuit in this context would be anything that’s designed to win your love interest over — no matter how casual, subtle or indirect.

And yes that’s often initiating contact. But it’s also posting social networking status updates in the hopes that he’ll see them (and thus you) in a positive light. It’s expressing feelings — not just love and affection but also anger, disappointment, indignation, etc. — anything that can translate as being so invested in him that his actions evoke an emotional response. It’s explaining, convincing, reassuring, apologizing, etc. — anything that’s designed to paint yourself in a certain light. Ever hear of the phrase “trying too hard?” That’s how this comes across. Asking for definition (“Where do I stand?”) If the answer to that one were favorable, I can promise you you wouldn’t need to ask.

And then there are the more damaging forms of pursuit, which invariably occur after he’s already shown clear signs of withdrawal. Delivering an ultimatum, which always fails. Withholding intimacy. This one also always fails because it registers as extortion and translates as pursuit. Unfriending him on the various social networking sites. Blocking his number. Hanging up on him or storming out and slamming the door behind you. Being “cold” or making a point of showing displeasure in him, even if you don’t say a word.

It may be hard to see these as pursuit as you’re in effect doing just the opposite. But who are we kidding here? This is really about showing him you mean business, that he’s going to have to step up if he wants another chance with you, or that he’s really gone and blown it this time. These are major pursuing gestures because they’re all designed to throw him into a panic and get him scrambling to win you back. And he knows it.

Men have had to learn to navigate around all of our subtle cues and hints and innuendos because weare so indirect. And all those little gestures get magnified and distorted until they turn into giant red flags and send your loved one running for cover. We get angry and are mystified when they don’t work, but let’s face it: they don’t work because they’re duplicitous.

Only one person ever pursues at a time in any relationship. So if he’s not, you can bet you are. The trick to turning it around is to not only trust that this is what’s happening, but to gather your own internal resources and pull them together rather than scattering them out into the Universe.

So with that in mind, what can you do to stop the merry-go-round, change this dynamic and get your man pulling back toward you?

Women always feel the need to “do something.” While men may be hard-wired to problem solve and fix things in the tangible outer world, women want to dive in and fix their relationships — long before they evenare relationships. We’re so busy tweaking and fine-tuning our romantic connections that we end up short-circuiting them before we even get a chance to take them for a test drive.

The single most important (and effective) thing you can do when your man pulls away is this: nothing. That means not calling, texting, emailing etc. Not explaining yourself one last time. Not blocking or unfriending him. Not posting videos of you whooping it up in Cabo with all of your fabulous friends. Not trying to scare him into thinking he’s lost you. Not parading your hot new (male) friend in front of him. Not plopping his stuff unceremoniously on his doorstep in the dead of the night. Not finding ways to bump into him unexpectedly. Not giving him the cold-shoulder when you reallydo run into him unexpectedly. And so on. In other words: really and truly nothing. Nothing.

Before you say (as many of my clients have said before): “But I don’t want to play games!” Consider this: This isn’t about playing games. This is the absence of games. All of the above — all of the nudging and hinting and explaining and reassuring and reacting and trying to elicit reactions in someone who’s already showing signs of withdrawal — those are games.

This is more about getting centered and reminding yourself that you are valuable and that your value extends far beyond this man’s interest. It extends beyond whether he’s misinterpreted your intentions or returned your affections. It extends to fully understanding the concept of personal empowerment, which turns out to be the best aphrodisiac in the world.

It’s about trusting that he will circle back (and this is the beauty of doing nothing — he really will) as long as you pull your own energy in rather than letting it frantically dissipate into the ethers, which is what happens when you stop listening to your instincts and start allowing anxiety to govern your actions.

The reason this works is because pulling your energy back in (which does not by the way mean over-correcting, i.e., becoming cold and indifferent) concentrates it into a magnetic force that will energetically pull him back toward you. He doesn’t have to know you’re pulling it in. He’ll respond to it energetically, just as you did when he pulled away in the first place.

Remember: if a man wants you nothing will keep him away. And if he doesn’t want you, nothing will make him stay.

As long as you’ve not waited until it’s “too late” to pull things back into sync, meaning as long as you’re not guilty of completely chasing him away, pulling you own energy in will trigger a corresponding reaction in him and he will at the very least poke his head in in the not too distant future. How you handle that then will determine your chances for getting things back on track. But at that point it’s almost entirely in your hands.



Source by Melodie Sheppard