I sometimes hear from women who want nothing more than a commitment from the man they love but they are running into resistance and excuses. A common excuse that men will give if that they’re been hurt before and are scared of getting hurt again. This can leave you unsure how to respond, other than to reassure him that you have no intention of hurting him.
I heard from a woman who said: “we’ve been dating for eight months. I love my boyfriend dearly. In fact, I would love to marry him. The other day, I asked him if we could talk about our future together and he cut me off right away. He put up his hand and said ‘I’m not ready to commit to serious relationship because I got burned so badly before. I just don’t want to get hurt again.’ I tried to get more information out of him, but he shut me down and wouldn’t talk about it anymore. Later, I asked his sister about this. She told me that a couple of years ago, he feel head over in heels in love with this girl and they became engaged. They were planning their wedding when he found out that she was cheating on him. His sister told me that he was devastated and not himself for some time. This is so unfair. Why do I have to pay for this other girl’s mistakes? I would never cheat on my boyfriend but now he won’t commit to me because she hurt him. What can I do about this?” I’ll address these concerns in the following article.
His Being Hurt Before Doesn’t Mean That He Will Never Commit To You: Understandably, this young woman was afraid that because of the behavior of the other woman, the man she loved was never going to commit to her. This just doesn’t have to be the case. If it were, far fewer people would be married today. Most of us have had our hearts broken and shattered before we meet our spouse. In fact, many of us swear that we will never leave ourselves vulnerable for this sort of heartbreak again, and yet we eventually heal, meet the person we were supposed to be with, marry, and are quite happy.
Her boyfriend saying he didn’t want to get hurt again wasn’t the same as his saying he was never going to marry her or make a commitment. In essence, he was saying that he had reservations, but I feel that they are reservations that could likely be overcome. Yes, you have to be patient with him and loving while you are waiting. But often, when you do, you will be richly rewarded.
How To Deal With A Man That Has Commitment Issues For Fear Of Being Hurt Again: It’s a very common inclination to want to immediately reassure him that you are different and that you would never hurt him. This isn’t a bad idea as long as you do it in a loving and reassuring way instead of implying that this whole thing isn’t fair to you. In fact, I would very much avoid discussing the injustice of this whole situation, although I completely understand your frustration.
You have to remember that your man didn’t ask to be hurt by this other woman. In fact, he was acting in good faith and trying to marry the woman that he loved. He was acting very honorably and this was in no way his fault. So, you can understand why he was hurt and why he might be reluctant now. And, it is very important that you make this clear to him. Don’t belittle his feelings, tell him that he should be over it by now, or may light of the situation. Instead, comfort him, tell him that you understand and are so sorry that this happened to him. And then reassure him that you would never act in that way and that you have no intention of every doing anything other than loving him and making him happy.
After that, continue on as you have. Because frankly, you have been making him happy. Things have been going well. Yes, he is unsure because of someone else’s actions and this isn’t entirely fair. But as I said, people do get over this type of pain all of the time and they move on. Yes, it sometimes takes a while. But often, all they need is an understanding person with whom they can have a successful relationship the next time. However, if you discount his understandable reservations and try to pressure him then he might eventually put you into the same category as the other woman.
Be very careful about your response and also approach him with a spirit of understanding and patience. Doing so will help him to get over his reservations. And, once he is able to do that, he will realize that there is no reason for him to be scared of your relationship because it is the one that is going to heal him.