I often hear from both wives who are affected by a husband’s affair as well as the women that they sometimes cheat with. Often, the wives are having trouble believing that the husband sincerely wants to come back and to save the marriage. They secretly believe that he’s just saying what he needs to say to avoid a costly divorce or to keep from losing his children.
Meanwhile, I’ll sometimes hear from the mistress who will say things like: “I gave him everything that he wanted. I didn’t make demands on him. I did what I could to provide what he said that his wife wouldn’t. Why, then, has he gone back to her? I don’t understand. He told me all sorts of things about his wife and now he’s with her. What did I do wrong?”
I’ll try my best to answer these concerns on both sides (and to share some insights that cheating husbands share with me) in the following article.
How Husbands Really Feel About The Other Woman?: It would be inaccurate and unfair to say that every husband who cheats has similar feelings about the mistress. Every man, and every relationship, is going to be different. Some man tell me that the mistress really doesn’t mean anything to them emotionally, although she does provide an outlet when they are going through the personal issues that he perceives as too troubling, shameful, or embarrassing to share with you.
Some men actually think that they love their mistresses, but this often does not last. He will sometimes project things onto her that he later learns don’t really exist. He wants to see her as the temporary answer to his problems or as the thing that will make him feel better or more confident. The problem with this is that ultimately as time goes by, he can’t help but realize that he’s been generous or inaccurate in his perceptions about her. He might even eventually come to realize that there is no one, and no thing, that can help him with his problems other than himself.
Mistresses often write to me quite angry and upset when a husband decides to end things. Many of them really have believed what he was telling them. At the time, they are not able to see that if he is deceitful to his wife, the one person who knows him better than anyone else, why then would he suddenly be truthful to a stranger? The reality is that he is often telling the mistress exactly what she wants to hear and what will allow for him to carry this out. It’s often not even close to reality, but it’s what they both need to hear to see this through.
Many women who cheat with other women’s husbands intellectually know that the situation they are in is generally not a desirable one, but they get so caught up into it, that they will attempt to think that their situation is “different.” They want to believe the husband. They want to believe that they are special, and unique, and that they “get him” in a way that other women don’t. And, you really can’t totally blame them for this. We are all guilty of acting in ways that allow us to believe that we are getting our heart’s desires. It’s just a matter of self preservation as we see it at the time.
Determining If Your Husband Really Wants To Come Back To You Or If He’s Just Trying To Avoid The Undesirable Fall Out Of Being Caught Cheating: Many wives tell me that they don’t begin to believe that their husband is sincere in wanting to save the marriage. They think that he just doesn’t want to lose his family or his money. And, this is sometimes true. But, you often can’t make this call immediately. Right after you find out about the affair, emotions are very high. People sort of grasp at straws and sometimes say or do things that don’t mean. It’s often only after the dust settles and his actions have to back up his words that you get a clear picture of what is really happening.
Sometimes you just have to commit to waiting this out to see if the picture will become more clear. Generally speaking though, over time, men who sincerely want to save their marriages make this evident by staying put, being truthful and honest, doing what needs to be done to begin the healing process, and having the patience and commitment to walk with you as you both deal with this. They will generally take responsibility and take the initiative because they know that this was their fault and their choice.
Now, you may not be able to even stand the sight of them at first. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with removing yourself from the situation until you are calm enough to be receptive without blinding anger. And, we all know that this may well take a while. There is nothing wrong with that. This truly is a process that takes some time.
What Some Men Tell Me About How They Really Feel About Their Wives After An Affair: Granted, there are some men out there who continue to be dishonest after you catch them cheating. No one can deny that. But, I really can not tell you how many correspondences I get from men who ask me what they can do to make this up to their wives. They are actually quite horrified and embarrassed. They often use phrases like “I don’t know what I was thinking,” or “what an old fool I was.” Sure, they are looking for sympathy and advice. I can’t deny this either. But, I can tell you that sometimes, the threat of losing what was important all along is enough to get these men to “wake up” and see what is really important.
I can’t tell you which category your own husband falls into, but often if you reevaluate after the passage of time, he will give off some clues and will show you some actions that will help you determine if he really does want to return to you in an honest and rehabilitative way.